California Dreaming: A Guide to Federal Prisons (Or, Where to Send Your Unruly Friends)
So, you’ve got a friend (or, let’s be honest, a frenemy) who’s been a little too enthusiastic about their latest get-rich-quick scheme? Or maybe they’ve simply developed a peculiar fascination with tax evasion? Either way, you’re thinking it might be time for a change of scenery. Specifically, a scenery that involves bars and uniforms.
California: The Golden State of Incarceration?
You might be surprised to learn that California is home to a surprisingly large number of federal prisons. We’re talking about enough concrete to build a small city. It’s like the state has a secret love affair with handcuffs and orange jumpsuits.
Disclaimer: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Please don’t actually send your friends to prison. That’s illegal and kind of mean.
Where Exactly is This Place?
Okay, so you’ve decided your friend deserves a little time away from society. Great! But where exactly should you send them? Let’s break it down:
- Lompoc: This is like the Napa Valley of prisons. Surrounded by beautiful vineyards (for the guards, obviously), it’s a place where inmates can contemplate their life choices while enjoying the smell of fermenting grapes.
- Terminal Island: Want to give your friend a taste of island life? This one’s right off the coast of Los Angeles. It’s got great views, if you like looking at ships.
- Dublin: This prison is for the ladies. If your female friend has been a real peach, this is the place to send her. Just don’t expect her to send you any homemade jam.
How to Avoid Ending Up There Yourself
While we’re on the topic, let’s talk about how to not end up behind bars. It’s a lot easier than you think. Here are a few quick tips:
- How to avoid committing a federal crime: Don’t commit a federal crime.
- How to stay out of trouble with the IRS: Pay your taxes.
- How to make good life choices: You know, the usual stuff. Don’t be a jerk, don’t steal, and don’t trust anyone who promises you easy money.
- How to find a good lawyer: If you do mess up, this one’s crucial.
- How to cope with a friend in prison: Send them books and snacks. And maybe a really long letter about how much you miss them (or not).
Remember, prison isn’t a vacation. It’s a place where people go to pay their debt to society. So let’s all try to be good citizens and avoid it at all costs.