The Texans' Kicking Conundrum: A Foot in the Door to Nowhere
So, you've heard the rumors, the whispers, the outright disbelief: The Houston Texans don't have a kicker. Not a single one. It's like they're playing a real-life version of Madden on rookie difficulty, where the kicking option is permanently greyed out.
The Curse of the Lone Star State?
Is it a curse? A strategic ploy? Or simply a cosmic joke at the expense of Texans fans? Let's break it down.
One theory is that the Texans are secretly training up a legion of secret agent kickers, who will emerge from the shadows to deliver the most clutch field goal in NFL history. Imagine the drama! The suspense! The merchandise! It's like a real-life version of Mission Impossible, but with less Tom Cruise and more extra points.
Another theory, perhaps more grounded in reality, is that the Texans are simply trying to force the NFL to rethink the rules. Maybe they're aiming for a world where every touchdown is worth eight points, or where teams can attempt field goals from anywhere on the field. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off.
The Psychological Impact
Not having a kicker is more than just a football problem. It's a psychological warfare. Imagine the mental anguish of a Texans fan as the clock winds down, the score is tied, and their team is in field goal range. No kicker? Just a big, empty space where a kicker should be. It's like staring into the abyss, and the abyss is staring back, saying, "You're never going to win."
How to Cope With a Kicker-less Texans
If you're a Texans fan, you're probably wondering how to survive this kicker-less ordeal. Here are a few tips:
- Learn to love two-point conversions: Embrace the chaos. Every touchdown is now a high-stakes gamble.
- Start a support group: Find other Texans fans and commiserate. Misery loves company.
- Take up knitting: Or any other calming hobby. You'll need something to distract you during those crucial final minutes.
How To...
- How to become a kicker for the Texans: Easy! Just show up to practice and kick a really long field goal.
- How to survive a Texans game without a kicker: Stock up on snacks, alcohol, and patience.
- How to convince the Texans to sign a kicker: Offer them a really good deal on a really bad kicker.
- How to start a support group for Texans fans: Find a local bar and order a lot of beer.
- How to cope with the inevitable disappointment: Remember, there's always next season. Or the lottery.
