How to Get New York in Hitman 2: A Guide for Aspiring Assassins and Accidental Tourists
So you've got a hankering for a slice of the Big Apple, Agent 47? Well, step away from the expired can of Empire State Building-shaped air freshener - there's a better way to get your New York fix in Hitman 2. Forget overpriced hot dogs and questionable street-meat shawarma, we're talking Milton-Fitzpatrick Investment Bank: where the suits are sharper than your blade, the deals are dirtier than your laundry after a sniper duel, and the security cameras are about as observant as a pigeon pecking at a pretzel.
But hold your horses, rookie. Getting your mitts on this concrete jungle ain't as easy as hailing a cab with a wad of suspicious-looking bills. You'll need more than a smooth accent and a penchant for poisoning cannoli to infiltrate this financial fortress. Buckle up, because we're about to crack this concrete nut open, Agent style.
Step 1: Don't Be a Tourist, Be a Banker (Kinda)
First things first, you ain't exactly strolling through Central Park here. You need to blend in, chameleon-like, with the Wall Street wolves. Dust off your finest Armani knock-off, polish those loafers till they shine brighter than a diamond heist, and channel your inner Gordon Gekko (minus the cocaine binges, hopefully). Remember, confidence is key. Strut in like you own the place, even if your only "investment" is a rusty spork you snagged from a dodgy diner.
Sub-headline: Access All Areas (With a Little Help from Your Friends... or Strangers)
Now, getting past the velvet rope at this exclusive club ain't a cakewalk. You've got options, though. Befriend a delivery guy, bribe a doorman with a wad of Monopoly money (it might work, hey, it's New York), or sneak in the back disguised as a disgruntled office worker – just don't forget the existential angst and stale coffee breath.
Step 2: Navigate the Labyrinth of Greed (Without Getting Lost in Paperwork)
Welcome to the jungle, Agent. This bank is more maze-like than the subway tunnels at rush hour. Memorize the floor plan like you're cramming for the Bar exam (minus the actual studying, of course). Learn the lingo – "bull market" is not the time to unleash your inner Pamplona bull, "short sell" doesn't involve literal banana peels, and "hostile takeover" probably isn't your best pick-up line in the cafeteria.
Sub-headline: Shortcuts and Back Alleys – Your Best Friends in a Concrete Maze
Remember that fire escape tucked away behind the executive gym? Yeah, that's your new best friend. Hidden ventilation shafts? Consider them secret VIP entrances (just watch out for rogue air fresheners). Master the art of the elevator shimmy and you'll be zipping between floors like a Wall Street stock ticker on payday.
Step 3: Eliminate the Vermin (Discreetly, of Course)
Now for the main course: your targets. These ain't your average street thugs, Agent. They're financial vipers, masters of manipulation and embezzlement. Approach them like a connoisseur of fine wines – swirl, sniff, then take them down with a smooth, strategic sip of poison (figuratively, of course. Unless you're really into that whole Scarface aesthetic).
Sub-headline: Accidental Assassin or Master Chef? You Decide
Piano wire or poisoned sushi? Sniper rifle or cyanide croissant? The options are as endless as a Wall Street expense report. Get creative, Agent. Make it a performance worthy of an Off-Broadway show (minus the singing, please, your karaoke skills are suspect).
Step 4: Escape Like a Phantom (With a Souvenir Suitcase)
Got 'em? Good. Now make tracks faster than a broker facing a margin call. Remember, haste makes waste, unless you're trying to outrun a swarm of angry investors with pitchforks. Blend back into the crowd, disappear like a smoke bomb in a board meeting, and leave only the faint scent of freshly laundered money in your wake.
Bonus Round: Souvenir Shopping for the Financially Disinclined
So you've conquered the concrete jungle, Agent. Time for some retail therapy, Hitman style. Snag a limited edition Milton-Fitzpatrick paperweight (fashioned from the tears of bankrupt hedge fund managers), grab a commemorative pen engraved with your kill count, or liberate a few "accidentally misplaced" bearer bonds as a little memento of your visit. Just remember, Agent, souvenirs are best enjoyed in a sunny Swiss bank account, far from the prying eyes of the SEC.
