The Desperado's Guide to Scoring That Coveted Blue Tick on Instagram: From Zero to Hero (with a Pinch of Delusion)
Let's face it, folks. In the age of social media, the blue tick on Instagram is the ultimate status symbol. It's like a flashing neon sign screaming, "Hey everyone, this person is important (or at least good at taking selfies with celebrities they vaguely know)."
But how, pray tell, does one snag this elusive blue badge of honor? Fear not, fellow meme-lords and wannabe influencers, for I, your friendly neighborhood internet cynic, am here to guide you through the treacherous terrain of Instagram verification.
Tip: Watch for summary phrases — they give the gist.
Step 1: Cultivate an Aura of Immense Importance (Air of Importance Sold Separately)
QuickTip: Revisit posts more than once.
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Be Someone Important (or at least pretend to be): This is kind of a big deal. Ideally, you'd be a celebrity, politician, or an astronaut who moonlights as a unicycle champion (now that's impressive). But hey, if you're reading this, chances are you haven't cured cancer or won an Oscar (yet). Don't despair! You can always leverage the power of creative storytelling.
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Craft a Bio Fit for Royalty (or a Used Car Salesman): Who needs facts when you have FLAIR? List a bunch of impressive-sounding (but possibly nonsensical) titles. "Social Media Maverick," "Professional Dog Pettter," "Chief Snack Enthusiast" - the possibilities are endless!
Step 2: Content is King (Unless it Sucks):
Tip: Use this post as a starting point for exploration.
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Post Like a Maniac (Quality is Optional, Apparently): Fill your feed with a relentless barrage of content. Think cat videos on fast-forward with a sprinkle of inspirational quotes nobody remembers. Remember, quantity over quality is the motto here (unless you're secretly a photography whiz, then unleash your inner Ansel Adams).
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Exploit Every Trend Known to Man (Except the Dab - That One's Dead): From the latest dance craze to that weird filter that makes you look like a potato - jump on every bandwagon like your life depends on it. Who knows, maybe your audience will find your interpretive potato dance strangely captivating.
Step 3: Master the Art of Shameless Self-Promotion (Because Nobody Else Will Do It for You)
Tip: Read once for flow, once for detail.
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Befriend Every Hashtag Known to Man (Except #spon - That One Costs Money): Stuff your captions with a million hashtags, even the completely irrelevant ones. #blessed #motivation #spon (wait, I thought we weren't doing that one?).
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Network Like a Social Butterfly on Red Bull: Slide into the DMs of celebrities, influencers, and your neighbor's grandma (you never know who might have connections). Just remember to be charming, not creepy.
Step 4: Embrace the Power of Delusion (It's the Secret Sauce)
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Channel Your Inner Beyonce (Because Clearly You Were Meant to Be Famous): Strut your stuff online like the world is your runway. Even if the only thing you're strutting in is your pajamas (hey, comfort is key!).
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Manifest Your Blue Tick with the Power of Positive Thinking (and Maybe a Vision Board): Seriously, believe it to achieve it! Surround yourself with affirmations like "I am verified" and pictures of blue checkmarks. Act like you already have the blue tick, and maybe, just maybe, Instagram will take pity on you and grant your wish.
Important Disclaimer: This guide is intended for entertainment purposes only. There's no guaranteed path to verification, and sometimes, hard work and genuine content creation are the real keys to success. But hey, if all else fails, at least you'll have a good laugh (and maybe a decent meme or two) along the way.
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