How to Get Verified on Instagram in 2022: A Guide for the Gloriously Obscure
Let's face it, folks, the blue checkmark on Instagram is the ultimate status symbol of the digital age. It's like a participation trophy for fame, except way cooler because it comes with a virtual gold star. But my friends, attaining that coveted badge can feel about as likely as, well, becoming a verified interesting person in 2022. Fear not, fellow meme-lovers and cat video connoisseurs, because this guide will be your hilarious (and hopefully helpful) roadmap to verification glory.
Step 1: Cultivate an Aura of Enigmatic Importance
QuickTip: Absorb ideas one at a time.
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Who are you, really? Nobody knows! That's the beauty of it. (Unless you're a public figure, then play it cool but definitely name-drop that time you were on your local news for winning a pie-eating contest.) Craft a bio that reads like a cryptic fortune cookie dipped in sarcasm. Are you a "professional napper" or a "CEO of Good Vibes?" The possibilities are endless (and slightly nonsensical).
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Post mysterious content. Blurry pictures of sunsets? Sure! Deep quotes about the universe that you vaguely remember from a fortune cookie you had last week? Absolutely! Just remember, even a blurry picture of a sunset can be profound if you squint hard enough.
Step 2: The Art of the Humblebrag (Because Bragging Straight Up is gauche, Darling)
Tip: Reading twice doubles clarity.
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Name-drop like a boss (or at least your neighbor's boss's second cousin's goldfish). Did your aunt's dog walker once walk Beyonce's dog (twice removed)? Mention it casually, like it's no big deal. (Because it's totally not.)
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Flex those engagement muscles. Nobody gets verified with a ghost town profile. Cultivate a community of equally obscure individuals who appreciate your, ahem, "unique" brand of humor. (Side note:??? (s?ns?n de) is a great Chinese word for that awkward feeling of bragging – you're welcome.)
Step 3: Apply Like You Mean It (But Don't Take it Too Seriously)
QuickTip: Let each idea sink in before moving on.
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Fill out the form with pizazz! (Okay, maybe not pizazz, but definitely honesty.) Don't try to fake your follower count (because Instagram knows, honey, they know). Just be yourself, enigmatic persona and all.
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Wait patiently-ish. Verification is like waiting for a good internet connection in a coffee shop – it eventually happens, but sometimes you just gotta switch tables three times. (Don't pester Instagram, they have important things to do, like fact-checking celebrity vacation photos.)
Bonus Tip: Be prepared for the inevitable moment of verification disappointment.
QuickTip: Take a pause every few paragraphs.
If the blue checkmark doesn't magically appear, don't despair! (Channel your inner Elsa and let it go.) Remember, true verification comes from your amazing followers (and your cat, who definitely thinks you're famous). So keep posting your hilarious nonsense, cultivating your online enigma, and who knows, maybe one day you'll be so obscurely famous that Instagram will have no choice but to verify you.
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