You Done Goofed and Lost the Keycard to Ohio's Greatest Treasures? Here's How to Snag that Red Hot Re-Entry Pass
Ah, Ohio. A land of questionable casseroles, suspiciously friendly corn, and loot rooms that require a little more than elbow grease to crack into. You're here because you, my friend, have misplaced the holy grail of Ohioan adventuring: the red keycard. Fear not, fellow explorer! This guide will have you waltzing through red-keycard-locked doors like a buckeye-chomping champion in no time.
###onnaissance: Where Be the Red Keycard?
Theories abound about the red keycard's whereabouts. Some whisper of it being hidden in the depths of the Walmart (because of course it is), while others claim it's a random drop from particularly disgruntled squirrels. The truth, however, is a little more...achievable.
Here's the real deal: The red keycard is most likely found within the confines of the Military Base. Yes, you'll need to navigate past some trigger-happy folks, but the rewards are worth the risk (and by rewards, we totally mean bragging rights and maybe some decent cornbread).
Conquering the Military Base: A Not-So-Tactical Guide
This ain't your grandpappy's military base. This is Ohio's military base, which means things can get a little...unconventional. Here's a crash course in navigating this glorious mess:
- Embrace the Corn Camo: Blend in with the locals by sporting a majestic corn cob hat (craftable with 10 ears of corn and a healthy dose of Midwestern spirit).
- Befriend a Squirrel: Seriously. Those bushy-tailed bandits know every nook and cranny. Just...don't mention the whole "keycard" thing. They get twitchy.
- Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, Dodge: This isn't ballet, but it might feel that way when you're dodging bullets. Utilize Ohio's unique blend of cornfields and abandoned cars for maximum cover.
Pro Tip: If you manage to snag a tank, joyride that sucker straight to the keycard (we won't judge).
The Big Kahuna: Snagging the Red Keycard
Once you've navigated the base's delightful chaos, it's time to find the keycard itself. Unfortunately, the exact location is a bit of a moving target. Here are your best bets:
- Loot Crates: These bad boys are scattered throughout the base and have a chance of spawning the keycard.
- Defeated Enemies: There's a small chance of military personnel (or particularly disgruntled squirrels) dropping the keycard upon defeat.
- The Colonel's Secret Stash (Unconfirmed): Rumors swirl about a hidden room in the Colonel's office, overflowing with keycards and questionable deep-fried delicacies. This one's up to you, brave adventurer.
Remember: Patience is key (no pun intended). It might take a few runs through the base to secure your red hot re-entry pass. But hey, at least you'll get your daily dose of exercise while dodging bullets and befriending squirrels.
FAQ: Frequently Asked Ohioan Adventures
How to Dodge a Buckeye Up Your Nose? Tuck your head and run! Seriously, those things are like heat-seeking missiles.
How to Befriend a Squirrel? Offer them a gently-used corn cob. Just make sure it's not popcorn. They hate that stuff.
How to Survive a Conversation About the Buckeyes? Just nod enthusiastically and throw in a "Go Bucks!" every now and then. They'll appreciate the effort.
How to Escape a Corn Maze? Follow the faint scent of butter and despair. It will eventually lead you out.
How to Use the Red Keycard? Find a red door, my friend. Find a red door.