The Great Portland Dodgeball Championship: A Statistical Mystery (Mostly About Tear Gas)
Ah, 2020. A year that brought us banana bread, questionable haircuts, and those epic dodgeball matches in Portland. You know, the ones that weren't exactly sanctioned by the dodgeball federation (shocking, I know).
These weren't your childhood gym class games with a slightly-deflated red ball. We're talking high-powered water balloons filled with questionable liquids (seriously, some of those concoctions could melt chrome), projectiles of unknown origin (a spork anyone?), and enough tear gas to launch a small rocket.
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But here's the real head-scratcher: How many officers got clipped by a rogue water balloon or winced from a particularly enthusiastic spork toss?
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The plot thickens faster than a pot of burnt mac and cheese. Local police reports are a bit... tight-lipped on the subject. Maybe they were too busy dodging rogue vegetables (unconfirmed reports of a particularly enthusiastic turnip attack) to keep proper stats.
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Then there's the whole federal agent situation. Let's just say their dodgeball techniques were... unorthodox. Think more "human shield" and less "strategically placed dive." The feds probably have their own injury reports, but those are about as accessible as a free parking spot in downtown Portland during a dodgeball championship.
Tip: Context builds as you keep reading.
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The Official Body Count: A Shrug and a Maybe
So, after all this thrilling investigative journalism (read: creative Googling), what do we have? An official number? Nope. Just a whole lot of speculation and whispers about epic dodgeball fails.
Here's what we do know:
- There were definitely some bumps, bruises, and maybe even a singed eyebrow or two.
- Water balloons are surprisingly effective deterrents, especially if filled with questionable liquids.
- Portland should consider incorporating dodgeball into their police training regimen. Those dives were impressive.
But hey, that's just the beauty of a good mystery! It keeps you guessing.
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| How Many Police Officers Injured In Portland Riots |
FAQ: How to Dodge Like a Pro (Because Apparently You Need To Know This Now)
- How to dodge a water balloon attack? The classic "matrix move" is always a crowd-pleaser. Failing that, a well-timed belly flop can work wonders.
- How to deflect a rogue spork? A strategically placed frying pan is your best friend. Bonus points for a dramatic yell of "SPORK DEFLECTED!"
- How to avoid tear gas? Milk of magnesia is a classic, but a good dodgeball dive might be even more effective (see above).
- How to tell the difference between a regular protest and a giant dodgeball game? Look for the inflatable pool.
- How to avoid getting involved in an epic dodgeball battle? Stay home, bake banana bread, and watch reruns of The Great British Baking Show. It's much less stressful.
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