Bumping Up the Pace: A Guide to Speed Bumps in Baltimore City
So, you want to slow down your neighborhood? Good for you! You’re about to embark on a journey that’s as thrilling as it is bureaucratic. Let's talk about the art and science of getting speed bumps in Baltimore City.
 |
| How To Get Speed Bumps In Baltimore City |
Step One: Are You Sure You Want Speed Bumps?
Before you dive headfirst into the world of traffic calming, consider these alternatives:
- Plant a hedge: A living wall can be a beautiful and effective speed deterrent.
- Become a human speed bump: Dress up as a particularly intimidating character (think: a life-sized inflatable T-Rex) and stand in the middle of the road.
- Start a neighborhood slow-roll bike gang: Nothing says "chill out, dude" like a pack of cyclists cruising at a leisurely pace.
If none of these options appeal to you, then speed bumps might be your best bet.
Tip: Reread slowly for better memory.
The Bureaucratic Beast
Getting speed bumps installed is like trying to herd cats while juggling flaming torches. It’s a process that requires patience, persistence, and a thick skin.
- Gather your troops: You'll need a solid coalition of neighbors who are equally committed to the cause. The more the merrier, or at least the more likely you are to get your way.
- Document, document, document: Keep a meticulous record of every speeding incident, near-miss, and toddler narrowly escaping a fiery demise. Photos, videos, and eyewitness accounts are your ammunition.
- Embrace the bureaucracy: Get ready to navigate the labyrinth of city departments and fill out forms that would make a tax accountant weep.
Tips for Speed Bump Success
- Be persuasive: Write heartfelt letters, bake cookies for city officials, or hire a professional speed bump lobbyist. Whatever it takes.
- Build relationships: Get to know your local councilperson. They can be your champion or your worst enemy.
- Don't give up: The road to speed bump glory is paved with setbacks. Persevere!
The Sweet Taste of Victory
When the day finally arrives and you see those glorious speed bumps gracing your street, it will all be worth it. You'll be a neighborhood hero, a traffic-calming visionary. Just remember, with great speed bump power comes great responsibility. Don't abuse your newfound authority.
QuickTip: Look for lists — they simplify complex points.
How To... Speed Bump FAQs
How to choose the perfect speed bump location? Identify areas with high traffic, pedestrian activity, or near schools and playgrounds.
 |
How to deal with grumpy neighbors who hate speed bumps? Offer earplugs, free coffee, or a lifetime supply of chocolate.
Tip: Reading carefully reduces re-reading.
How to prevent speed bumps from becoming breeding grounds for potholes? Regular inspections and maintenance are key.
How to avoid becoming a speed bump yourself? Pay attention to the road, especially at night.
QuickTip: Slow down if the pace feels too fast.
How to celebrate your speed bump victory? Throw a block party, of course!
Remember, patience is a virtue, especially when dealing with bureaucracy and impatient drivers. Good luck on your speed bump quest!
 |
