Handicap Parking in Chicago: A How-To Guide for the Slightly Impaired
So, you're thinking about joining the elite club of handicap parking permit holders? Well, buckle up, buttercup, because this is going to be a wild ride. Let's dive into the wonderful world of "I'm not really that disabled, but hey, it's Chicago!"
Step 1: Become Crippled by the Bureaucracy
First things first, you need to prove you're worthy of a handicap placard. This involves a rigorous medical evaluation that’s basically a competition to see who can exaggerate their ailments the most convincingly. Remember, the key is to sound like you're one step away from needing a wheelchair, even if you're just a little stiff after your morning yoga.
Step 2: Master the Art of the Dramatic Exit
Once you've got your placard, it's time to perfect your handicap parking performance. Think of it like a one-woman show. You need to make a grand entrance - slowly, painfully, and with as much groaning as possible. Don't forget to clutch your imaginary knee and wince dramatically. Bonus points if you can bring a cane for added effect.
Step 3: Find a Parking Spot That's Actually Handicap Accessible
This is where the real challenge begins. Handicap spots are like unicorns - rare and mythical creatures. When you finally find one, it's usually blocked by a Hummer or a delivery truck. So, be prepared to circle the block like a vulture, waiting for your prey (aka an empty spot) to appear.
Step 4: Defend Your Territory
Once you've triumphantly parked, you're in enemy territory. Other drivers will eye your spot with envy and desperation. Be ready to defend your turf with a glare that could kill. And if someone dares to park too close, feel free to leave a passive-aggressive note on their windshield.
Step 5: Embrace Your Newfound Freedom
Congratulations! You're now a member of the handicap parking elite. Enjoy the perks of being able to park closer to the door, but remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Use your newfound freedom wisely, and don't be that guy.
FAQ: How to...
- ...get a handicap placard? Consult your doctor about qualifying medical conditions and follow the application process outlined by your state's DMV.
- ...find handicap parking? Use online maps or apps that specifically highlight handicap parking spots.
- ...deal with other drivers? Maintain your cool, and if necessary, report any violations to the appropriate authorities.
- ...ensure accessibility? Advocate for accessible parking spaces in your community and support organizations that promote disability rights.
- ...be a considerate parker? Always park within the designated space and avoid blocking access for others.